Archive for July, 2007

Golf analogy

Thursday, July 26th, 2007

Last round of the British Open, leader steps up to the 18th tee, and commentator says:

“It’s like the first night out camping with your girlfriend – excitement is in the air!”

Simple pleasures

Thursday, July 19th, 2007

“I have always been fascinated with sacrifice flies.”
Baseball commentator Tim Kurkijan

Alphabet soup

Wednesday, July 18th, 2007

“I think I’m going to keep doing this for awhile but then I might go get, what’s that thing called – a BMW? Er, no, MBA.”

Self-esteem > accountability

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

From a book containing a list of ways to improve a (soccer) player’s mental approach:

“If you make a mistake, blame someone else and concentrate on your next intervention.”

Assorted police reports

Friday, July 13th, 2007

This is what happens to creative writing majors. They end up writing up the police reports for local newspapers.

At 5 a.m., a driver honking her horn, stopping the vehicle, getting out and chasing a pedestrian should attract attention. It did June 15 and the people in the vehicle were arrested – the 19-year-old female driver for underage drinking and driving and pot possession and her passengers, a 17-year-old girl, a 17-year-old boy and a 19-year-old man, for underage consumption of alcohol.

An officer may have suffered writer’s cramp after stopping a motorcyclist for speeding at Edgewood and Laport drives on June 17, because the speeding ticket was just the beginning. The 35-year-old man was also tagged for no helmet, no proof of insurance, no motorcycle endorsement on his license, carrying a passenger without the license endorsement and running a stop sign.

A firebug ended the useful life of a Shamrock Park dumpster the night of June 15, burning up the $150 receptacle in the 5600 block of Snelling Avenue.

Officers noticed a vehicle pull over in the 2100 block of Roselawn Avenue in the wee hours June 20, and a passenger got out and began watering the shrubbery.

Unpleasantness occurred around 8 a.m. June 20 between two men in the 1400 block of County Road E. The drivers pulled over and got out – one armed with a baseball bat and the other with a can of pepper spray. The guy with the pepper spray let the guy with the bat have it, and the confrontation was over. The men parted company, promising to see each other again soon.

You cannot be serious

Thursday, July 12th, 2007

“A street named St. Michael seems an unlikely location for an assault, but it happened to a woman the evening of June 18. Police are investigating.”

Football quote

Wednesday, July 11th, 2007

KICKER: Coach, I swear I make a lot more of my practice attempts when you’re not watching.
COACH: Well, that’s too bad, because I plan on being at the games.

Soccer player physique, disturbing

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007

“The point here is that we are not refereeing Gold Cup games between national teams with big hairy men and women playing.”

Relationship advice

Thursday, July 5th, 2007

“Figure out by the time you have six kids whether your husband is a shitbag or not.”

Answers to student math tests, part 10

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007

Q: Classify the transformation as either a reflection, translation, or rotation.

A: The transformation has been reflectioned.

A: The transformation was a translation because it didn’t face the opposite way or turn around so it is a translation cause it is the same way, faced same way and there you have it, a translation.

A: The transformation is transparent.

A: That makes it unverticle.

Q: Given a table of favorite types of television shows for boys and girls, make a bar graph and make a conclusion about the outcome of the survey.

A: Boys like comedy because it is funny and girls like drama because it is emotional. But some boys like drama and some girls like comedy.

A: Boys are into funny unserious shows than the girls. And the girls are in drama or serious things more than the boys.

A: One conclusion about the outcome of the survey is that all 200 students had a favorite type of television show.

A: The thing that can be made by this outcome is cartoons because you can watch cartoons on television.

A: Girls and guys like about the same amount of stuff, just different categories. It’s kind of like a bunch of hills, up and down, up and down.

A: Girls don’t watch tv. Girls like drama, boys like hardcore movies, comedy.

A: The girls don’t watch what the guys watch.

A: Boys and girls are completely different.