Archive for the ‘Other’ Category

And a quote…

Monday, August 1st, 2011

Referring to the tortuous negotiations, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., said: “Sausage making is not pretty. But the sausage we have, I think, is a very different sausage from when we started.”

International Signs

Friday, January 21st, 2011

So this a sign at a Mexican playa.  The wording and punctuation of the English translation is more puzzling than the Second Amendment.

“Do not enter in the ocean with clothes, intoxicated or naked, any attempt against moral decency will be punished.”

DSC00894

I like the other message too.  ”Any person with any health problem must inform the lifeguard before get in the ocean.”  If people took this literally, there would be a long line waiting to talk to the lifeguard.

Allright, back to the U.S.  This is on the customs declaration form.  They don’t want us bringing wild animals into the country, but I am curious as to why they single out “birds” and “snails” as examples of “animals”.  Are these really the most popular smuggled animals?  I kind of get the concern about the avian flu, but snails?  Also, is Customs concerned about the thousands of migratory birds that cross the border on their own?

DSC00896

Finally, here is a sign from an airplane toilet.  They clearly do not want you to empty your suitcase down the toilet.  I love the specific examples they show: soap, underwear, laundry detergent caps, and paper airplanes.

DSC00895

The Story about the Zamboni

Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Continuing backwards through my personal archives, I present a story transcribed in a notebook from when I was ~5.  At the time, I attended hockey games to watch the zamboni and watch the clock, which will become obvious as the story progresses.

DSC00855

The cover artwork depicts two zambonis advertising the 1988 Minnesota State Fair.  From this we can deduce that the story takes place at the Fairgrounds Coliseum during the winter of 1987-88, since the Coliseum zamboni always displayed the dates of the following summer’s state fair.  The dates are accurate.  September 5, 1988 was the first Monday of September, traditionally the last day of the fair.  To confirm this, I ended up at this mildly disturbing site.

The Story about the Zamboni

One day as we were driving to a hockey arena to see a hockey game, some light flashed from something in front of us.  It flashed on and off and on and off.  It was a nice white, bright light.  We kept following the flashing light.  As a big light was over it, we could see it was a Zamboni.

We knew where that thing was going.  Well finally we got in the parking lot and the light went in, too.  But the light did not park.  It went into the back of the arena and backed in.  But that was certainly not part of the parking lot.  The parking lot was in front.  Well, there we were.  We sat down like that.

The clock was at 15:00.  And down below was one.  That meant the first period.  Then soon the game started.  The clock got down to 0:00; there was a Bzzz.  The bzzz told the hockey players to skate off the ice.  It also meant it was the end of the first period.  The score was 6-2.  The clock went back to 15:00.

High school games at the time had 15-minute periods.

Then they put up the second period.  Also, after that there was a boom-ba-boom-ba-boom.  Most children wondered what it was.  But I knew right away what that was.  It was a motor starting.  Well, you know what it was?  It was that Zamboni that raced down the street.  It had number 88 on it and it went right out on the ice.

Then the hockey players came out on the ice again.  Oh-oh.  Some player took his body and stick and broke the glass.  Oh-oh.  Penalty!  Well they started skating again.

And then someone put his stick up in the air and another penalty.  They let the other person out of his because there was six more seconds.

Not sure why the other player got out early.  Apparently the ref though six seconds was a trivial amount.  The story is heavy on events which can show up on the scoreboard, namely goals and penalties.  Almost every page has a depiction of the current clock configuration, as below.

DSC00859

Well the clock started going back again.  When the clock came back to 5:33 there was goal number 11 scored.  When it got to the other team, they scored their 6th goal when there was 4:00 left in the period.  Then – crash – the clock came down to the ice and broke.  But they solved their problem.  They picked up the pieces.

But they still had a problem.  They had to make a new clock, but still there was no fear.  They dropped the puck when a minute had gone by.  Then in the 4 minutes, the referee looked at his watch and saw that it was 4 minutes from when he dropped the puck and he blew his whistle.  Ba-boom-ba-boom-ba-boom there was again.

That zamboni was coming again.  It backed out and then forward.  This is how it drove.

DSC00856

What we see in the illustration on the top half of the page is not meant to be a scribble but a depiction of the “standard pattern” most zambonis make when resurfacing the ice – that is, backing out to the side boards, two full clockwise loops around the outside, then a stripe down the middle, continuing until complete.

However, the more curious development is that the clock has magically reappeared.  No explanation is given for this seemingly significant plot event.

Then the clock started at 15:00 again.  Then someone threw a ball out on the ice.  Then the referee picked it up and threw it over the fence and the ball ran down the gate, ran down the hall to where the zamboni dumps the snow.

Then they took that old puck, dropped it on the ice and away that home team ran after the puck to put it in the net.  Suddenly, bounce-bounce-bounce.  There was another ball.

So the referee picked up the ball, threw it over the fence again and away the ball ran down the hall.  The ball ran down the hall to the same place the other one went.  Anyway, the home team scored their 12th goal.

Then someone took the net in their hand and threw it across the ice.  The referee finally blew his whistle and took the net and put it back on the other side in the right spot.  Then they pushed that person into the penalty box.  Anyhow, that person was feeling angry.

Somehow, kind of like magic, the home team got their 13th goal.  Then the other team picked up the other net and threw it across the ice.  The referee blew the whistle again.  They pushed him in the penalty box, too.

The score is now 13-7.  Sounds like some definite frustration coming from the losing team.

Then the other team picked up the net in their hands and threw it up at the clock.  The referee tried to blow the whistle.  But that sound did not come out.  The referee tried blowing a little harder, but that did not work either.

Then he tried something else.  He clapped his hands three fast times.  But that still did not work.  He tried two times a little slower but that still did not work.

Then a player jumped up in the air.  He jumped and crash – he broke a light.  Something told the player to land in the penalty box.  He did not like the idea but he did it anyhow.  Crash!  A mailbox came through the ceiling.  Bzzz went the clock.

Things seem to be getting a little out of hand.  This appears to be an example of a child’s imagination exploring the question of ‘what would happen if things don’t work as planned?’ and the particular enjoyment of young boys and many adult men in watching things break or get fubar.

But the bzzz came way too early.  There were twelve more minutes left in the period.

The referee blew his whistle and stopped the bzzz.  Then the 17th goal was scored by Michael James Collins on the team of Hill-Murray.

I suppose it was implied from the beginning that the winning team was Hill-Murray.  But now we have proof.  Also, I looked up the ‘88 roster, and there is a Mike Collins.  Several increasingly exotic names are mentioned below, but they do not match actual players.

Then a bird flew in and onto the ice.  But the bird was afraid he would get hurt.  He flew right away.  But the bird did not fly far enough and – ouch! – he thought he got ran over, but not quite.

Then smoke came through the ceiling but nobody saw it.  Then the 18th goal was scored by Michael Daniel Dapper on the Hill-Murray team.  Then Michael Daniel Dapper took the puck down to his own net and put it in.

But they did not put the goal up because he did not get it in the right net.  Then Michael Daniel Dapper took the puck on his stick and flew up into the penalty box.  Then the hockey players gathered in a space and cluck-cluck.

???

The ice started to crack a little but the referee blew the whistle to stop the clock.  Then he threw out a rope for the hockey players to hold.  And do you know what happened?

They skated off the ice.  And the Zamboni came out early.

Aha! This plot development appears to be an excuse for drawing another picture of the zamboni’s path around the rink.  However, this is not unprecedented; in actual games the intermission has been moved to the middle of a period, usually due to a broken glass panel, but once because a chunk of ice along the boards melted and exposed the concrete below.  The players did not need to be rescued by a rope, but hey, this isn’t too far off base.

After that the 20th goal fell in the net by Hill-Murray.  The 8th was scored by Hill-Roseville by John Marvin.  John Marvin loved to score goals.  In fact, he clapped for himself when he did.

The visiting team is identified!  A classic contest between Hill-Murray and Hill-Roseville!  In fact, Hill-Murray did play Roseville on January 30, 1988, at the Coliseum and won 6-3.  Based on a true story!

Then Tony the zamboni driver jumped over the hockey arena.  Then the hockey players skated into the boards on the side.  Tony went through the air but did not go far enough and landed right on top of them.  Then he jumped over the gate.

Then Hill-Murray’s Mike Toot-Toot scored two times.  First the puck went in one time and then came out real fast and he shot again.  But no goal was scored by Hill-Roseville.

Well, the 24th goal was scored by Michael Daniels on Hill-Murray.  The 10th goal was scored by Michael Michelle on Hill-Roseville.

While watching games, I wanted as many goals as possible to see how high the numbers could get on the scoreboard.  Evidently I hadn’t yet been to an arena that displayed shots on goal.

Mailbox Embers scored the 25th goal for Hill-Murray.  Hill Daniel scored the 11th goal for Hill-Roseville.  The clock was at 5:00.  No penalty but just some fun.  Then Michael Daniel Dapper took the puck in his hand and threw it across the ice.

According to rules, someone scored the 26th goal for Hill-Murray but we don’t know who scored it.  Then Hill-Roseville, someone by the name of Ohz scored the 12th goal.  Then Hill-Roseville also got a penalty for high sticking.  Then it was the end of the game.

They shook hands, moved the net and ran off the ice.  Then the boom-ba-boom-ba-boom came again.  It was another motor starting.  The end of the penalty was over, too.

The End of the First Game

The Beginning of the Second Game

DSC00857

It was a doubleheader that night.  However, there is very little narrative of the second game.  Instead, about half of a three subject notebook is literally taken up by clock illustrations.  The home team at one instant leads 36-16, but the visiting team makes a stunning comeback to tie the game at 42, only to lose 43-42 in overtime.

DSC00858

This is even more remarkable because the visitors are assessed a 45 minute penalty early in the game, which is more or less accurately counted down as time progresses.  It is not clear whether the team plays shorthanded the entire time, or if this was just a game misconduct.  However, the reader is informed that the cause of the infraction is that “#19 said something bad to the referee and the referee put him in the penalty box.”

In the Beginning

Saturday, November 13th, 2010

I started this habit of writing down strange things people say around 12 years ago.  In the beginning, this was how I used my academic planner, that spiral bound personal calendar that was issued by the school and you were supposed to use to keep track of assignments.  Well, I found the original planners in an old box and decided to present some of the highlights.  In the same box was a certificate bearing some excellence award I received in middle school, for “academic achievement”, “mature, on task behavior”, “being a positive role model”, and “consideration for classmates’ right to learn”.  And look how I turned out!

Here we go.

Seventh Grade

The planners always began with study guides of subjects we thought were very important at the time.

DSC00776

For much of seventh grade, I diligently kept track of assignments so there isn’t much interesting to report.  Considering that evidence plus the aforementioned excellence award, one might have characterized me as someone who “went with the flow” and “got along with people.”  However, on December 21, we see this narrative:

DSC00796

“Aren’t we excited about Christmas?  One verbal phrase is enough, but writing Merry Christmas all over the board and caroling is going a little too far.  Mr. Merthan’s homeroom is all hyper in English, especially Anthony, who always has to stick his nose in everyone’s business, and never uses his head.”

Well.

On to…

Freshman Year

Enter Mr. Oftedahl.

DSC00773

By late September, I was busy making artistic sketches of various characters I encountered regularly.  I believe this is Ben McCarty:

DSC00784

Shoe?

DSC00783

DSC00787

DSC00786

This last drawing bears some explanation.  We had been learning about human evolution and the Neanderthal period. (this was a Catholic school, but…)  There was a somewhat uncivilized young man in that class who usually had a stubbly face and a gimpy arm, or maybe that was just his personal way of holding it.  Anyway, we decided to call him Cro-Magnon Dan and this drawing is pretty accurate.

I was also fond of illustrating fictional street plans when I got bored:

DSC00785

November 8: Random drawing of girl in bikini with shoulder straps sliding down.

DSC00782

DSC00788

I celebrated Martin Luther King week with a diverse display of pencil artwork:

DSC00789

This would have been the time during which I learned HTML, and here you can see the outline of a new page.  This could be the absolute inception of the hockey website.

DSC00790

I became very skilled at drawing maps of America from memory:

DSC00791

Factoring!

DSC00792

During Mr. Oftedahl’s geometry class, I passed the time one week by “inventing” Game 7 of the 2032 World Series.  It was a pretty good game.  The home team scores 3 in the ninth to tie, then pushes across a run in the 13th on a couple of bunts, an error, and a single.  (Hey, why bother making up an ordinary game?)

DSC00793

However…
Natalie Kane was sitting behind me and asked to see what I was doing.  I explained and she gave me this look that said you are really smart, and also really a nerd.  (Follow-up: Natalie ended up in a sports-related career. I ended up in a math-related career.)

In June, as the temperature climbs, the faceless bikini girl makes another appearance.  This time, she apparently needs to stretch her right leg.

DSC00795

Sophomore Year

The consensus was that sophomore year was the most difficult academically, and evidence from that year’s planner supports it.  Through February, I actually took legitimate class notes and there are very few impressive doodles.  However, there is this bit of foreshadowing.  A quote before the quotes!

DSC00798

Junior Year

This was the year of the first quotebook.  The very first official quotes are below!

DSC00799

On the following page is the infamous Titanic quote.  Note the ironic study tip to the right.  ”Ask questions.  You’re probably not the only one who is wondering.”

DSC00800DSC00801

I spent much of the winter tracking the progress of the Hill-Murray and Philadelphia Flyers hockey teams.  Note the provocative but leading and economically illiterate question at the bottom of the page.

DSC00802

February 1: Commemorating a big win for the math team against St. Thomas Academy.

DSC00803

April 22: The Flyers’ opening playoff win over Toronto inspired an especially colorful tribute.

DSC00804

We pause on May 7 to recognize Ian’s efforts in chemistry.

DSC00805

May 18: set a new TI-85 tetris record.  Woohoo!

DSC00806

Senior Year

Unfortunately, no entertaining drawings, sketches of hot girls, or fake baseball games have survived.  August and September are devoted to keeping track of quotes and Mr. Rose’s speech patterns.

DSC00807

DSC00808


WTF

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

I followed a Ford Escort home, the back of which was adorned with the following stickers:

1. Obama. Impeach Him.
2. Confederate Flag
3. “I Bust Mine So I Can Kick Yours”
4. White Bear Lake hockey logo

Also, the license plate frame said “Improve Your Net Worth. Play Volleyball”

Social hierarchies

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

CUSTOMER: Do the [backyard birds] like this seed mix?
OTHER CUSTOMER: It depends how aristocratic the birds are.

This is not an Onion article

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

Communications specialist wins national award

Roseville communications specialist Tim Pratt has won a national Pegasus Award for his video “Roseville Parks: The Benefits are Endless.”

The video is a profile of the Roseville Parks and Recreation Department and highlights the many unique features of Roseville’s Parks and Recreation Department. The three-minute video was created to give a quick overview of Roseville’s Parks and Recreation system – one of only a handful of departments in the country to have earned national accreditation from the Commission of Accreditation of Park and Recreation Agencies.

Let’s do some more opinion letters

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

These are fun.

“I just want to start out by saying I am neither a Republican nor Democrat. I’m not sure I want to affiliate myself with any party right now, but I feel the need to take a shot at the Republicans.”

“Our Founding Fathers may have been playing a cruel joke on us when they decided our government would be a representative democracy. This form of government depends on an informed electorate.”

I also like Dear Abby:

“My wife’s youngest daughter has moved in with us, along with her three children: ages 3, 4 and 5. We are having a disagreement about allowing the kids up on the countertops.”

“When seated at the dinner table where the food is served family style, which is the proper way to pass the dishes – to the left or to the right? I have yet to sit at such a dinner and have the plates come from one direction. They come at me from both sides.”

“What is the proper thing to do when one sits on a squeaky seat and the seat makes a noise like someone has passed gas? My first instinct is not to call attention to it. Then again, as they say, silence implies guilt.”

Back on April Fools Day, Abby published some over-the-top parody letters she had received.

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know I enjoy reading your column daily. It’s the only thing my cellmates and I look forward to besides the bread pudding.

My question: I’m a middle-aged, penniless federal prisoner. I am also fat and bald. What are my chances of finding true love in the “real” world?

I subscribe to all the relevant magazines to better myself — i.e. People, US, GQ and stuff. I know I’d make a great companion because I have read how to make quiche and sew. I have also learned not to ask a woman for sex until the third date (the August 2007 edition of Bizarre magazine).

I promise not to drink every day, and I’d take Sundays off — besides, it’s NASCAR day. I promise to keep the toilet seat down and listen to a woman’s needs as long as she’s standing in front of the stove.

I think that once I’m released, I will make a great companion. What do you think?
– OUT IN 24 MONTHS

The art of rhetoric

Friday, May 29th, 2009

I’ve been keeping track of interesting statements found in Letters to the editor. Some of these are taken out of context, but still amusing.

“The “world” is a constant part of our daily lives.”

“It seems that our age is characterized by radio and television talking heads who pompously pontificate about subjects they know little or nothing about.”

“St. Paul is poorly served with taxpayer money and city staff time being used for unneeded pigeon birth control plans.”

“The problem about ice caps melting is that sea levels are rising and causing floods everywhere.”

“We should keep our planet green and not full of gas for the animals and for us.”

“Cows are in nature, so that is an example of a natural cycle.”

I’ll admit that I’m picking on kids who wrote the last three. All in all they did a nice job with their letters.

2008 Quote of the Year

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

It was a confusing year in the areas of geography and medicine. A look back at some of the honorable mentions:

“Why are we studying Holland now? I thought we were studying the Netherlands.”

“He was a heart patient and they had to go in and remove the aorta from his stomach.”

PERSON: Have you ever been to continental Europe?
OTHER PERSON: I don’t know where that restaurant is.

REPORTER: What are some exercises you could do to get a swimmer’s body?
MICHAEL PHELPS: Well, you could swim…

And the winner is…

I didn’t actually publish this when it was said back in September. And I don’t know who actually said it. Articles simply attribute it to a “Treasury spokeswoman.” It’s in reference to the $700 billion financial bailout.

“It’s not based on any particular data point. We just wanted to choose a really large number.”