Quotelog

FALCON HEIGHTS

All was quiet in the city of Falcon Heights last week with no hair-raising reports of stealing, drinking, fighting or off-road driving adventures that would interest our readers.

The story is: Women in Malmö have been given the right to bathe topless in the swimming pools of Sweden’s third largest city.

The quotes are:

The breast issue has proved divisive, with political wranglings leading to the question being struck off the agenda at an earlier meeting in April. These political cleavages remained on view right up until Wednesday’s meetings with disagreements on both the left and right sides.
…
“We don’t define what bathing suits men should wear so it doesn’t make much sense to do it for women. And besides, it’s not unusual for men to have large breasts that resemble women’s breasts,” he said.

Twice a year, persons who otherwise show little interest in such affairs suddenly become fixated on certain professional golf tournaments. The first is the Masters, which is held in April at the country’s most prestigious golf club and, as we are reminded three hundred times by Jim Nantz, is steeped in Tradition. The second is the U.S. Open, for which interest is heightened because the host course is typically made so difficult that play actually resembles a weekend round at your local public course, with features such as concrete greens, elephant grass, and rotating windmills instead of flagsticks. (In terms of hazards, however, the U.S. Open has nothing on the British Open courses, one of which has something called a Gorse, which as far as I can tell is a particularly nasty piece of shrubbery that you definitely do not want to hit a ball into. This is a direct consequence of the history of British criminal punishments being generally more painful than American ones.)

There are actually two other major tournaments in men’s professional golf, but nobody pays any attention to them. I believe this is because they come last in the season, and by then everyone has realized how boring it is to watch golf. Also, the first two majors often coincide with holidays that involve family gatherings, Easter and Fathers’ Day, respectively. On these occasions, pretending to be interested in golf is preferable to talking to your aunt.

We’ve all witnessed the scene around the greens when the large galleries hold their breath as the leaders dramatically stroke their putts. However, when taken out of context, this scene becomes rather silly. I’m picturing an Amazon tribesman plucked from the jungle and taken to the 15th green at Bethpage last weekend, later reporting to his tribe:

Onto the Shaved Ground comes a little white Ball from Above. The villagers encircle the Shaved Ground but are prevented from entering it by Ropes. Only select individuals are allowed inside the Ropes. They are:

• The one who has power to move the Ball (the Wizard),
• His assistant, to whom vital tasks are entrusted such as Cleaning The Ball and Handing To The Wizard His Striking Club,
• and the elderly Wise Men, who ensure that said tasks are performed according to the Laws of God.

The Wizard’s purpose is to club the Ball into the Hole in the Shaved Ground. To do this, he stands to the side of his Ball and first strikes several Invisible Balls toward the Hole. The villagers become silent and observe very intently. The Wizard then strikes his actual Ball with his Club. Should the Ball fall into the Hole after being struck a large distance from the Hole, the villagers become very excited and yell wildly for several seconds and then calm down. If the Ball does not fall into the Hole, the Wizard gets to TRY AGAIN from the spot at which the Ball now lies, which is usually much closer to the Hole. Once all the Balls are put into the Hole, they are removed from the Hole. Then the Wizards, their assistants, and Wise Men find a DIFFERENT Hole and the process REPEATS.

Let me just comment, without further explaining myself - never underestimate the influence of stupid people and lawyers in large corporations.

ORIENTATION
Please introduce yourself.
Hi, I’m John. I’m from blah blah blah and I go to the university of blah blah blah. What are my future plans? Let’s see…I’d like to graduate and maybe get a job, or go to grad school, I’m not really sure yet. Then maybe I’ll take over the world…and reverse this path of tortuous socialism our president has us going down!

LESSON OBJECTIVES
Identify the primary goal of the security department

Define “computer network”

DEFINITIONS
Data Field: a place, section, or area in a document where data is entered

FRIENDLY ADVICE FROM THE ERGONOMICS DEPT
“Adjust your stride to a pace that is suitable for the walking surface and task.”

TECHNOLOGY LESSON
Open “My Computer”. Local drives typically include a floppy drive, which requires inserting a floppy disk into the computer.

SAFE WORKPLACE
Identity the following situations as OK or Not OK.
Sending e-mails containing nude photos and jokes or comments of an explicit sexual nature. OK or Not OK?

REVIEW (multiple choice)
Why do you think project teams are successful?
A. If you are on a team, there is someone else to do the work for you.

Are you tired of being asked to give out your address and telephone number to strangers every time you complete a business transaction? I am.

I wonder how many databases most people have their home address stored in. I would conservatively estimate the count at 100. Consider your employer, your school, your former schools, your kids’ school, the community center where you took an evening craft class, your medical providers, your financial institutions, government agencies, your hairdresser, your auto mechanic, any business organization with which you’ve signed up to become a member or receive special promotions, sports leagues you play in, religious organizations, organizations you’ve volunteered at, any place you’ve made an online purchase…

Many times I’ve provided my address multiple times to the same organization. I had to fill out my address on no less than nine forms at my university alone in the past year, in part because I’m classified as both a student and an employee. And their alumni association is still sending mail to my parents’ house from my last stint there, even though I haven’t lived at that address in over five years.

In just this past month, I’ve been asked for my address at the oil change station (and they didn’t even change my oil!) and to book a tee time at the golf course. I asked the golf guy why he needed my address and he explained that he was creating a Golfer Profile, and that I would perhaps be asked to verify my address if I needed to change or cancel the reservation. In that case, why not just give me a secret password or secret question like the websites are using now. (Don’t you hate those secret questions, too? More and more online signups are requiring them. Why on earth do I need to provide my childhood pet’s name in order to buy a book?)

I can understand the request for a phone number in some cases, especially if an appointment is being made. I can also understand why a business would find the zip code of its customers useful. But home address? Whatever happened to let’s just make an appointment, I give you my name, you write it down and confirm the date and time, end of discussion? If you really need my phone number, get caller ID.

Since I moved last, I’ve tried to be extra careful about giving out my address in an attempt to reduce junk mail, and it’s worked rather well. I suspect that my university might have given out my address, which is why I occasionally receive offers for student credit cards. Some junk mail started arriving after I signed up with USA Hockey. (I have to register with them and pay a $50 membership fee to play in a winter hockey league; this is over and above the league fee, which I kind of consider extortion, so they’re on my list. This does, however, get me a magazine filled with advertisements. To avoid getting this, I tried to give them an address of a nonexistent house number on a street near my parents’ house, but it still got delivered to my parents’ house.)

When I sign up for things online, I can usually enter all 9s in the phone field. For awhile I was entering the Primerica customer service number, as these people irritate me by getting my phone number from an online resume and calling multiple time inviting me to join their pyramid scheme. I also enter bogus addresses. This produced a comical routine one day as I booked an online ticket for a show the same day and didn’t have a printer to print the tickets. So I went to the box office in person and had to verbally stumble along as I tried to remember the bogus name and address I had entered.

In summary, my strategy going forward will be this: (1) get tough with businesses that shouldn’t need my address and refuse it if possible (2) come up with a fake address that I can consistently give out but also remember if I need to recall it (3) find a phone number associated with an organization I dislike, such as a telemarketing company, that I can provide should I be asked that.

These are fun.

“I just want to start out by saying I am neither a Republican nor Democrat. I’m not sure I want to affiliate myself with any party right now, but I feel the need to take a shot at the Republicans.”

“Our Founding Fathers may have been playing a cruel joke on us when they decided our government would be a representative democracy. This form of government depends on an informed electorate.”

I also like Dear Abby:

“My wife’s youngest daughter has moved in with us, along with her three children: ages 3, 4 and 5. We are having a disagreement about allowing the kids up on the countertops.”

“When seated at the dinner table where the food is served family style, which is the proper way to pass the dishes - to the left or to the right? I have yet to sit at such a dinner and have the plates come from one direction. They come at me from both sides.”

“What is the proper thing to do when one sits on a squeaky seat and the seat makes a noise like someone has passed gas? My first instinct is not to call attention to it. Then again, as they say, silence implies guilt.”

Back on April Fools Day, Abby published some over-the-top parody letters she had received.

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know I enjoy reading your column daily. It’s the only thing my cellmates and I look forward to besides the bread pudding.

My question: I’m a middle-aged, penniless federal prisoner. I am also fat and bald. What are my chances of finding true love in the “real” world?

I subscribe to all the relevant magazines to better myself — i.e. People, US, GQ and stuff. I know I’d make a great companion because I have read how to make quiche and sew. I have also learned not to ask a woman for sex until the third date (the August 2007 edition of Bizarre magazine).

I promise not to drink every day, and I’d take Sundays off — besides, it’s NASCAR day. I promise to keep the toilet seat down and listen to a woman’s needs as long as she’s standing in front of the stove.

I think that once I’m released, I will make a great companion. What do you think?
– OUT IN 24 MONTHS

I saw a headline a few weeks ago about the governor taking a “calculated risk.” Do people ever take uncalculated risks? If so, why don’t we ever talk about them? Perhaps they simply make “rash decisions.” That got me thinking of other unnecessary modifiers. “Planned development” comes to mind.

—

I was at the department store and discovered that I had never realized the extraordinary need for designer clothes…while sailing. Since less people will be seeing your fashion sense out on the ocean, feel free to wear the ugliest thing possible, such as pink shirts with plaid shorts. At $50 each.

—

What do you say when you are introduced to someone new? Ten times out of ten, it’s “nice to meet you” when the occasion is somewhat more formal than a college party and somewhat less formal than a state dinner. I have no problem with that phrase, but I can’t remember the last time I heard something different. And it seems, well, generic. Shouldn’t we have some variety? Consider these examples:

“This is Bob Fletcher, who works in our Des Moines branch in accounts receivable, and his wife, Mrs. Fletcher.”
“Nice to meet you.”

“This is my friend Jenny, the swimsuit model who just moved in to the unit two blocks down from you and kept asking if I knew you.”
“Nice to meet you.”

Shouldn’t these responses be somewhat different?

I’ve been introduced to approximately seven people at work in the past week and they all said “nice to meet you.” I consulted the Guide for Office Professionals, and it recommended “I am very pleased to meet you.” (the book is a few years old)

I was thinking something like this: wait for the other person to say “nice to meet you,” and reply with “the pleasure is mine, senor!” But that only seems suited for situations in which you’ve had some correspondence or knowledge of the person before meeting face to face. Any suggestions?

I’ve been keeping track of interesting statements found in Letters to the editor. Some of these are taken out of context, but still amusing.

“The “world” is a constant part of our daily lives.”

“It seems that our age is characterized by radio and television talking heads who pompously pontificate about subjects they know little or nothing about.”

“St. Paul is poorly served with taxpayer money and city staff time being used for unneeded pigeon birth control plans.”

“The problem about ice caps melting is that sea levels are rising and causing floods everywhere.”

“We should keep our planet green and not full of gas for the animals and for us.”

“Cows are in nature, so that is an example of a natural cycle.”

I’ll admit that I’m picking on kids who wrote the last three. All in all they did a nice job with their letters.

Minnesota at New York. Bottom 7th. Minnesota leads 2-0. Alex Rodriguez hitting.

BERT BLYLEVEN: To Kevin Slowey, it’s still a 0-0 ballgame. He stays the mind frame that it’s still 0-0.

Rodriguez fouls off the first pitch.

BERT BLYLEVEN: That’s why that wild pitch that Burnett threw…when Nick Punto scored the second run. That’s a huge run. It’s 1-0, now you’re thinking, don’t make a mistake. But 2-0, aw, you feel a little more relaxed.

But you just said he should pitch like it’s 0-0. Then why would the second run make a difference? I’m confused.

DICK BREMER: [You get] one mistake…here’s the one strike pitch.

BERT BLYLEVEN: Let’s hope there’s no mistakes.

Rodriguez whacks the next pitch 15 rows up into the left field seats.

BERT BLYLEVEN: There’s one…Well now it’s a 1-0 ballgame.

New York ties the game by the end of the inning.

“He’s not fancy, he’s not pretty; if you saw him without his clothes on, you wouldn’t know he is a professional athlete.”